This has been a really rough year for us. Between loosing my job, and my health getting worse, and the car getting totaled, and now loosing my unemployment benefits and my freelance work suddenly getting put on hold, it feels like we’ve been kicked while we’re down over and over and over. It’s hard to find things to get excited about when all you can really think about is trying to find enough money for food and rent. I know things could be worse. I’m grateful we have a roof over heads (for now at least) and we are still managing to keep the kids fed, but it’s a constant struggle and hanging over our heads.
We have our tree up and a few decorations. We’ve done our little bit of meager Christmas shopping. But with all of the stress and the worry and drama and the trauma of the last 10 months, it just doesn’t feel like Christmas to me.
My favorite part of the holidays is the magic. The feeling that anything is possible. The ideas of rebirth, renewal and goodwill. The belief that miracles really can and do happen. And maybe, just maybe, if we wish hard enough, a little of the magic in the twinkling lights and Santa’s sleigh and the stillness of Christmas Eve will rub off on us and at least for a few moments the world will be a better place.
I’m just not seeing it this year. The lights are just lights. The bells are making my tinnitus go overtime. The preparation is making me even more exhausted. And my daughters’ excitement for the big day is making me anxious. There’s no big hope for a better tomorrow, I’m just hoping to make it through today.
I want the magic. I want to feel like there’s something special in the air. I want to believe that miracles can happen, but after everything I’ve seen and been through over the years and looking at the choices I’m facing, I’m sorry to say I have my doubts right now. I guess I still believe miracles happen, I just don’t believe they’re meant for me. I really want to believe they could, I just don’t know how any more.
But Christmas is the time for miracles and rebirth. Maybe I can find the magic I’m looking for. Maybe we’ll get the miracle we need and things will start to turn around (I’m not expecting to hit the lottery – that ship already sailed, but maybe a job or better pay for my husband or a bonus that will actually cover our bills would be nice).
Heaven knows I’m trying to believe. I really need to believe because if I can’t find a way to believe in the magic of Christmas, I’m not sure what I’m going to find to believe in the rest of the year.