Tough Decisions

I’ve been doing some thinking, I’ve actually been thinking about it for a long time, and I think it’s time to try to go on disability. I’ve thought about it on and off for a few years and every time I put it off thinking I’m not really that bad, and then I get worse. Part of the reason I lost my job earlier this year was because I sick (long story and I signed paperwork saying I wouldn’t talk about it). I’m pretty sure the reason I’m having trouble finding a new job is because I go into interviews and by the time I’m in there for a few minutes I start forgetting things, lose my train of thought, and generally start blabbering like an idiot.

But it’s not just about work. Most days it’s all I can do to wash a few dishes, make dinner for the kids, read a few emails and get up and down the stairs once a day –  forget about showers, laundry, cleaning, exercise or the other 101 things I should do. The things a “normal” person does in a day. Some days I don’t even get to the dishes, dinner and emails.

Here I am fighting to find a full-time job and I can’t even handle being up and about for a full day. The only thing I’m sure I can do full-time right now is feel like hell, so maybe it is time to look at all options. Part of me knows it’s a logical, practical and totally reasonable decision. Then why do I feel so bad about it?

I know that there are people on disability (both through employers and through the government) who…embellish the truth, shall we say. People who are perhaps a little more abled than claim. I just don’t understand. I guess I can understand the allure of having no work responsibilities on a daily basis, but I don’t understand how you do it without feeling awful about it. I have put off even pulling up the webpage for months because I felt guilty even thinking about it. I’ve pretty much been working at least part-time since I was 19 – not just because I needed to, but because I wanted to.

I spent the better part of the last 10 years being the either the main or sole source of income for my family. I’ve worked really hard. It got to a point where all I could do was work, I didn’t have the strength or energy for anything else. It’s been ingrained in me from childhood that you work as hard as you can until your last breath. I can’t help but wonder if I’m giving up.

Am I the only one who feels like this? Has anyone else gone through this kind of thing? Am I just loosing my mind?

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